なんてのは手術室で聞きたくない一言のひとつである。

正直に言うと病院にいくということはガタガタ震えるような、恐れるべき、悪夢のような経験なはずである。簡単に言ってしまうと患者は赤の他人に生命を渡して「はい、私はあなたが反社会性人格障害者で三回の離婚歴があって三種類の抗鬱剤を飲んでいることを知らないけれど私の幸せと人生を手に預けます」といっているようなものである。仮にあなたがそれを言ってその医者を信用したとしてもあなたはその医者が何を実際やっているのか知らないので簡単な頭痛かもしれないのに、医者はあなたのことをわけの分からない病気と診断して手術室に送るかもしれないのである。

てこんなことを言ってあなたのことを震え上がらせたあとで（だって私も反社会的で離婚歴があって三種類の抗鬱剤を飲む医者と言う人口の一人になるんだからしょうがないでしょう）私は次のリストでこの書き込みを終わらせたいと思います：

手術室で聞きたくない十の独り言：

１.　「心配するなって。十分鋭いはずだぞ。」

２．「おい、看護婦、この患者はドナーカードをサインしたか？」

３．「しまった！マニュアルの８４ページが抜けてる！」

４.　「みんな下がって！コンタクトレンズが外れてなくなっちゃった！」

５．「その…なんだっけ…それ渡して。」

６．「それとっておいたほうが良いぞ。死体解剖に要るからな。」

７．「おお、闇の偉大なる主よ、この生贄を受け入れたまえ。」

８．「ちょっと待て。これが脾臓ならあれは何だ？」

９．「今腎臓って高く売れるんだぜ。それがこいつは二つもあるんだ！」

１０.　「え、離婚したい？どう意味だい、それ？」

That's just one of the things you don't want to hear in an OR.

To be honest, going to a hospital should be a trembling-inducing, fearful, nightmarish experience. Basically you're handing your life over to a random stranger and saying "here, take my life and my happiness, even though I don't know that you have an anti-social personality disorder plus a history of three divorces and is on three different anti-depressants." Even after that you have no clue what the heck the doctor is doing, and for all you know he might be sending you to an OR pretending that it's some bizarre, crazy disease while you just might be having a migraine. Bad luck for you.

After scaring the bejesus out of you like that (because, you know, I will be joining the anti-social, thrice-divorced, depressed population called MD's), I would like to finish off with this list:

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN THE OR:
1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of'em

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

I think I had a lot more dreams when I was small. Not just me, but in general children have more hopes and more dreams and everything seemed possible. sadly, as the child grows older each dream pops like a bubble, until the child finds him/herself doing things that he/she doesn't want to do, seeing things he/she doesn't want to see. Nothing that the child wants to do or want. I wonder how such people live.

In my case, I think I was pretty focused. I decided I wanted to become a physician when I was three, and I kept running at it. When I think about it, everything I did, from reading to listening to talking were all focused on becoming a physician. I don't think I was suited to a life as a physician when I was small. Slow, vague, undecisive. Not clever and not ready. Since a physician is required decisiveness, cleverness and readiness, if I went on like that I probably would have liked to be an English major. I also believe that since I wouldn't have had superb grades, I probably wouldn't have made it into a medical school anyway.

Well, something went wrong, and I wanted to become a physician. I didn't have the qualities to become a doctor; I had to change myself. From a slow, quiet child, I changed myself into a fast teenager who did not care to pay whatever the cost for the objective.

My senior year was pretty hard. Since I still had AP's to complete, while other kids were going to prom and movies and playing around, I was sitting at home solvng problems. Friends left and summer vacation wasn't a vacation since I was going to summer school to knock requisites out of the way. To think about it, this is the first summer when I can do anything I want to do - which, at the moment, is to be lazy. This is probably the last time as well; I still have license exams and OSCE's coming up.

At times like that, I feel irritated when people casually say they want to become physicians. I paid so much more to get where I am (which is a baby medic). While others were having fun I was sitting at my desk solving equations. I won't be able to understand if the people who were having fun and I got to the same place.

Thankfully, I still believe God is here, since those who had fun ended up in nasty holes. Some ended up taking multi-grand loans, or going to schools that no one had ever heard of.

the bigger the thing is that you want, harder to get it by suddenly thinking about it. Those who went to med school from my year were pretty set on becoming doctors Freshman year. That was why we could start prepping early.

On the tangent, it's a long way to a medical practice. When I calculated I still have 17 years to go before I get to the place I want to be. 17 years is how long I've lived in this world; since I began schooling at the age of 5, I'm not even halfway there.

子供の時には沢山夢があったように思う。私だけではなく、一般的に子供時代は夢も希望もあり、なんでも可能だったようだ。悲しいことに年を取るにつれて、だんだんその夢はシャボン玉が消えるように消えていき、最後にやりたくないことをやり、見たくないものを見て生きている自分を発見する。やりたい事もないし、欲しい物もない。そんな人間はどうやって生きているのだろうか。

私の場合、ずっと一途だったような気がする。私は三歳のときに医師になると決め、ずっとそれに向かって走ってきた。考えてみると読む本も、やる事も、聞く事も話す事もすべて医師になるためだったように思えないでもない。もともと私は性格的に医師には向かないのだ。ぼんやりしていて決断力がない子供。頭の回転も速い方じゃないし腹が据わっている訳でもない。医師は決断力、頭の回転の速さ、などが要求される。あのままいっていたら文学部にいきたいと思っていた事だろう。また成績も抜群に良かったという訳ではないだろうからなれなかった可能性大なのは一目瞭然である。

でも私は何を間違ったのか医者になりたいと思ったのである。私は医者として必要な素質を持ち合わせていなかった。それでは自分を変えるしかない。そこで私は自分を変えていった。ゆっくりと動く自分から早くて目的を決めてそれに向かって戦車のように進んでいく自分に変えたのである。目的のためならコストをいくら払っても物怖じしない自分になろうと思った。

高校四年生の時はかなり辛かった。私だけまだ受験中だったのでほかのクラスメートがダンスに行ったり、映画に行ったり遊んでいる時に私は問題を解いていたのである。友達はどんどん消えていくし夏休みは夏休みでみんなが遊んでいる時に私は夏期講習を受けていた。考えてみるとこの夏休みは私にとってはじめて何もしなくて良い、本当の夏休みである。そしてたぶん最後になるだろう。私の受験はまだあるのである。

そんな時に簡単に医師になれると思っている人を見ると腹ただしく思ってしまう。私はクラスメートや友達よりもコストを払ってきたのだ。みんなが遊んでいる時に私は机で問題を解いていたのだ。遊んでいるやつと勉強した私が同じ所に行ったら私の払ったコストはどうなるのかさっぱり分からない。

ありがたいことに神様はいるらしく、遊んでいたやつはろくでもないことになった。学費を払う為に若い十八の美空で一千万の借金を抱えたり、聞いたこともないような学校に行ったのだ。

欲しい物が大きければ大きいほど、思い付きでは手に入らない。私の学年で医学部にいったやつはもう高校一年で医師になるということが心の中で決まっていた。それだからこそ準備ができたのである。

ちなみに医師になる道は長い。計算してみたら私が思い通りのところに行くまでにあと１７年ある。１７年といえば私が生きてきた年月である。五つのとこに学校に入ったからまだ半分も行っていないのである。

昨夜変な夢を見た。レノの夢ほど変ではないが、やっぱり変な夢であった。

私は大学から帰省する所でオヘアに降り立ったところであった。飛行機から降りてゲートのほうに何気なく歩いていくとガードにとっつかまったのである。

「なぜここに来たんだ？」と彼は聞いた。

「何でって…クリスマスだから帰ってきたんですよ。」

するといきなり「君は今から逮捕される。沈黙を守る権利はある。」

「え…え…ちょっと待って！」

どうやらブッシュ大統領はクリスマスは自分だけが祝えば十分だと考えたらしく（ちなみに読者の中で私は寝る前にあの絵本の”どうやってグリンチがクリスマスを盗んだか”を読みすぎたんじゃないかと思っておられる方もいるかも知れないがそうではない）議会でブッシュ大統領からサインつきの許可証を持っていない限りクリスマスを祝うのを犯罪にしてしまったらしいのである。私はクリスマスを祝うために帰ってきたのだから逮捕されたわけである。

私は泣き出した。

そして起きた。

注：”グリンチさん”というのは”どうやってグリンチがクリスマスを盗んだか”という絵本に出てくる主人公・悪者で町からクリスマスを盗んでしまったゴブリンである。

I had an awful dream last night. It wasn't as wacko as the Reno dream, but it was still just as strange.

I was coming home from college. I got off the plane, walked casually to the gate, where I got stopped by a customs guard.

"Why are you here?" he asked.

"Erm... I'm home for Christmas?"

"You are under arrest. You have the right to keep your silence."

"Wait, WHAT?"

Turns out that President Bush suddenly came up with this bizarre idea that he wants Christmas all for himself (No, I wasn't reading How Grinch Stole the Christmas...). So, he asked the Congress to pass a law stating that it was now illegal in the United States to celebrate Christmas unless you had a specific permission signed by Bush. Since I was coming home to celebrate Christmas, now a crime punishable under law, I was under arrest.

I started to cry.

Then I woke up.

For those of you who read this blog (is there such person?), there are probably those who want to get into medical school. for the masochists like you, I will tell you how to get into medical school. Yey!

Yes... there are two types of those who want to get into med school. One is a masochist, who just isn't getting enough pain in universities and wants more. The other is a sadist, who wants to inflict pain on others, also known as the patients.

Anyway...

I think the most defined location to enter med school is Japan. If you get the score above the cut-off, you're in. How do you clear the requirement? Study, of course. How you study is up to you. There are those who memorise after just reading; there are some others who need to write to remember things. Then there's some who need to read, write, and solve to remember (and that would be me). No one can teach you this. To figure out how to study is also part of studying.

The United States? This is a little more vague. First, you have to do your senior year of university in the US. Superb scores on MCATs is usually a must. You have to do an interview. If you're a foreigner, TOEFLs are also required. Essays are usually part of the admissions process... there is no certain factor that'll get you in, so if the judge likes you you're admitted and if he doesn't like you, well, too bad.

Great Britain... well, you have to have a certain level of English. First you apply through UCAS, and then you take an exam. When you get a score above a certain level on those tests (and you may ask, what is the cut off? The answer is... I have no clue. My university didn't release that information), then you have an interview. The interview will examine how much you want to become a physician and how suited you are to the career. There is no right answer; so, I suggest you carefully think about why exactly you want to become a physician and if you're really suitable to the pressured career personality-wise (hint: if you're slow worker, this job may not be for you. Physicians are required on-time, split-second decisions.). Then you get an offer, usually a conditional, stating "if you get so-and-so scores on such-and-such tests, we'll accept you". Clear the requirements and you're in (for your information, I was officially admitted early July. That means if I didn't clear my conditions I'd be a useless unemployed oxygen-to-carbon dioxide converter for a year).

Well, anywhere you go, it's a tough road. Competition is fierce. All-nighters and lack of sleep will follow you around. As Christina from 'Grey's Anatomy' had said, "Aren't doctors workaholics with god-complex?" I see my seniors and she's damn right.

If you still want to become a physician after reading all this... good luck.

このブログを読んでいる方々の中には（そんな人間いるの？）医学部志望の人もいるかもしれない。そんなマゾキストのあなたのために！私がどうやって入ったのかをお教えしましょう。

そう、医学部に行きたいやつは二通り。一人は自分のことをいじめたくて入るマゾ、もう一人は人をいじめたくて入るサドである。

それはおいといて…

日本は一番はっきりしている。大学入試で点数をクリアすれば誰でも入れる。どうやってクリアするのか？それは勉強しかないでしょう。どうやって勉強するかは貴方次第。読んで覚えてしまう方もいれば、書かないと覚えない人もいるし、読んで書いて解いてやっと覚える人もいる（これは私です）。これだけは誰も教えてくれない。勉強の仕方を探すのも勉強である。

アメリカでは？これはもうちょっと不確定要因が多い。まず、読んだところによると大抵の医学部はアメリカの大学で四年生を終了している事を要求する。あとMCATでいい点数は必須。面接も受けて通らなければならない。もちろん面接は英語なのでかなりのレベルを要求される。あとTOEFLも必要になるだろう。エッセイも書かなければならないし…これだから受け入れるという条件はないので審査員が貴方のことを気に入ったら入るし嫌われたらそれまでである。

イギリスはというと…まず英語はある程度のレベルはなければならない。まずUCASで願書を出し、それからテストを受ける。そのテストである点数以上をとったら（その足切点数は何点かというと…分かりません。発表されなかったので。）面接である。この面接は貴方がどのくらい医師と言う仕事に思い入れがあるかということと性格的に貴方が医者に向いているかどうかを見られる。正しい答えはない。だからなぜ貴方は医者になりたいのか、本当に性格的に向いているのかよく考えて受験したほうが良いだろう。それからもし受かったら「この点数をこのテストで取ったら入れてあげます」という手紙が来る。その条件をクリアしたら初めて合格である。（ちなみに私の合格が決まったのは七月の初め、落ちていたら浪人である。）

まあ、どこの国に言っても過酷な道である。競争率も激しい。徹夜と寝不足は付き物になる。グレイズ・アナトミーでクリスティーナが「医者って自分のことを神様だと思っているワーカホリックよ」と言っていたが見ていて本当だと思う。

それでも医師になりたい人は…頑張って下さい。

No, I'm not talking about the anatomy textbook "Gray's Anatomy". (Well, I think the population who knows that Gray's Anatomy is a textbook is very few, but that's not the point.) I'm taking about the TV show.

I started watching it because I was bored but to my surprise, the show itself could not be farther from the truth. I'm not an intern yet, but I still am a medical student, and I've seen some facets of a life in a hospital. And this is what I realised: sure, there are people who want to be doctors because it's a noble cause and wonderful and blah blah blah, but that's just a pretty hullabaloo. What you have to keep in mind is that most people only meet the general practitioners for their entire lives, and those people don't get covered in blood and feces. Besides, not many physicians see their patients covered in blood. They always smile and have nice stethoscopes around their necks when they meet their patients.

That's nice and dandy, but as a medical student or an intern, there's no way you can be smiling. 36 hour shifts are ordinary schedules, and everyone ends up looking like zombies and there were no pretty female doctors like you see in Grey's. Sure, I saw some physicians who might have looked pretty, but their dead tired expressions ruin everything. Patients scream at them and nurses order them around and their daily lives consist of just perseverance and patience.

This TV show is weird from the setting. Why are the patients getting carried into the ER being treated by interns? Aren't they supposed to be treated by, you know, the professionals, called ER physicians? Additionally, the scene from Episode 1, when they treat the appendicitis? Just by common sense what kind of a hospital lets a first-day intern treat that? Just that weird enough for me.

Even more, you know when Grey guesses what's stuck in the throat of the rape victim? When you think about it, that's pretty weird. The doctors in the surrounding are all experienced. If they don't know what's stuck in the girl's throat and a spanking new intern can guess it, that's WEIRD. As if that's not enough, the main surgeon is a guy. As those who have watched that episode may have noticed, there is no way that an experienced male surgeon doesn't have a clue what it is and a brand new intern - Grey - can know what it is. I guess it's same all around, but interns are usually yelled at, warned, and taught in most hospitals; I've never seen the vice versa. If the opposite happened, we wouldn't know which one's the intern and which one's an attending! Interns are apprentices. If the apprentice was teaching the teacher, we wouldn't know which one's an apprentice and which one's the instructor.

On a tangent, apparently my personality resembles Christina's the most. I don't know if that's a compliment or not.

私が言っているのは解剖学の教科書ではない。（まあ、解剖学の教科書だって知っている人口の方が少ないと思うが。）私が言っているのはテレビドラマの方である。

まあ、暇だということもあって見始めたのだが、あまりにも現実からかけ離れているのでビックリしてしまう。私はインターンはまだやっていないが、一応医学部の学生として、少しはもう見ている。そこで気がついたのは、確かに医学は素晴しいと思って目指している人は多いがそれは奇麗事。そもそも一般の人が一番頻繁に会うのは内科医であって内科医は比較的血まみれにならないのである。そして患者に会うときには血だらけで会う医者はあまりいない。ニコニコして聴診器を首からかけて会うのである。

それだけなら素敵なのだが、医学部の学生やインターンとなるとニコニコなどしていられない。まず３６時間シフトは当たり前なので、皆さんゾンビみたいな顔をしていてあんな綺麗な女医さんはいなかった。この人は普通だったら綺麗だろうと思うような顔の人がいても表情からして美しくないのである。患者からはどやしつけられるし看護婦からは命令されて、虐待されるのにただひたすら耐える毎日らしい。

大体このテレビドラマは設定からしておかしい。なぜＥＲに担ぎこまれてくる患者をインターンが診ているのか？それってＥＲ専門の医者がやるんじゃなかったっけ？おまけにＥＰ．１で出てくるあのシーン、あの初日で盲腸摘出、あるでしょう？常識から言ってもインターン初日で執刀させる病院があるだろうか。これだけで私にとっては変である。

おまけにＥＰ．２で主人公が喉につまっていた異物を言い当てる所があるが、あれって考えてみるとヘンである。回りは年季がそこそこ入っている医者なのだ。それが分からなくてインターン入ったばっかりが言い当てるのはちょっとヘンである。おまけに執刀医は男性。見ていた人なら解ると思うが、年季の入っている男性の医師があれが何なのか言い当てられなくて、インターン入ったばかりのグレイが言い当てられるのはまず有り得ない。大体どこでもそうらしいが、インターンというのは常に怒られて指導されて注意されていても、逆は見たことが無い。逆が起きていたらどっちがインターンなのか分からないではないか。インターンて言うのは見習いなのである。見習いが指導者に注意していたらどっちが見習いなのか分かったものではない。

ちなみに私はあのドラマの中で韓国人のクリスティーナに一番性格が似ているらしい。どうその言葉を受け取ったものやら。

My dorm was finalised today. I was rather afraid that they'd change their mind after all and stick me in this place across the town, but luckily I'm in a place two minutes away from campus. The area isn't... exactly safe, but it's not like I'm in White Chapel where there were murders recently, so I'm not too worried. The bank is close by, and the Borough Market and other supermarkets are within walking distance. The underground is facing the back of the school. It's a compact place, really.

An English boy of Chinese decent is going to the same dorm as me. Since we're pretty friendly to each other and he takes same classes as me, I'm pretty thankful.

I'm coming home for Christmas. I'm pretty happy about that. Just like the Japanese go home for New Year's, it's kind of miserable to spend the Christmas alone. My friend is coming back for Christmas as well, sit it might turn out to be a pretty happy homecoming.

I have three friend(lies) at the uni now. One is the same person as the one sharing my accommodation. He moved to the US in sixth year. His parents are from UL as well, so his history is very similar to mine. Additionally, he plays the violin, just like me.

Another person is in the residence at Russell Square. She's from Thailand, and she told me she's studying Business. She's extremely friendly and always cheerful, so she's the opposite from the grouchy and not really friendly me. Her hobbies are shopping and cooking. For someone like me, who cooks because he/she wants to eat good food but can't get it readily, or for someone (like me) who goes shopping because it's necessary, she's a completely different type. I think she thinks I'm interesting.

The last one (but not the least) used to live in Cambridge. She's a British. She's studying music (specifically piano) at Kings. She has short hair, and there is no doubt from her appearance that she's a British. She's in the same residence as the Thai girl. She was my first acquaintance at KCL.

I'm leaving in about twenty days, but I can't really believe it's true. Since it's me, I can just see myself packing three days before the day I leave. I can't really believe I'm going to be living alone either. Well, since it's a dorm, it's different from living in an apartment alone, I think.

I finally bought the Return of the King movie. Since I didn't think the last couple of scenes weren't well made, I decided to buy it when the price got lower... and two years passed before I actually got around to buying it. I watched it last night, but since I was reading 'The Elladan Show' right before then I couldn't stop laughing. The Middle-Earth depicted in the fanfiction isn't the beautiful, romantic Middle Earth, but it's a land where cars are running and cell phones are jingling and there is an unstated rule that you must never eat in Uni cafeterias if you don't want to risk mystery food. Basically, the Earth with Middle Earth geography. His father, Elrond, is the Prime Minister of Rivendell, and Elladan is a senior at Grey Havens University. He thinks he's the only one with common sense, but just like his family and his acquaintances, he lacks what he thinks he possesses. His twin brother (Elrohir) is a kind of an elf who just grew up while keeping a mind of a three-year old, and his sister Arwen was on the volleyball team in high school and married Aragorn right after graduating high school. There was no sense of solemnity or mystery.

But apart from the setting, the events in Lord of the Rings is very well depicted, so it adds even more to the humor. The things Elladan is worrying about is extremely trivial; each character is very well created and that adds more to the laughter.

Apparently most of my high school classmates leave either this week or the next. I guess my school starts extremely late.

今日、寮が本格的に決まった。もしかしたら、街の反対側の寮になったら面倒くさいなーと思っていたのだが、運が良い事に学校から歩いて二分の所である。治安は…良い所ではないが、別にホワイトチャペルみたいに殺人があった所ではないので、そんなに心配はしていない。銀行もすぐ傍で、スーパーやマーケットも歩いてすぐの所である。地下鉄の駅は学校の裏に面している。コンパクトに出来ている所である。

寮には中国系イギリス人のクラスメートが入る事になっている。結構仲が良いし、同じ授業を取っているヤツがいるとありがたい。

クリスマスには家に帰ることになった。結構嬉しい。正月に日本人は必ず家へ帰るのと同じで、クリスマスを一人で過ごすのはかなりミジメなものがある。友達もクリスマスには帰ってくるし、結構楽しい帰国（私の場合、帰国ではないけれど）になりそうだ。

友達（らしき人間）は大学で三人いる。一人はあの同じ寮の中国系イギリス人である。六年生の時にアメリカに来たらしい。父親はロンドン大インペリアル校、母親はキングス校に看護学にいたといっていた。私と近い境遇である。またヴァイオリンを弾くらしい。

もう一人はラッセルスクエアの寮に入る事になったタイ人の女の子である。ビジネスに行くといっている。人懐こくていつも機嫌がいいので、人間づきあいが悪くて無愛想な私とは正反対である。趣味は料理と買い物。食べるのが好きで必要に迫られて料理したり、必要に迫られていやいや買い物に行く私とは全く違うタイプである。彼女は私の事を面白いと思っているらしい。

最後の一人はケンブリッジに住んでいたイギリス人の女の子である。ピアノ科である。髪が短く、どうみてもイギリス人の顔をしている。タイ人の女の子とは一緒の寮。大学では最初に知り合った子である。

あと二十日ぐらいで発つのだが、あまり実感が無い。私の事だから、行く三日前に慌てて荷物を詰めるのが目に見えるようである。一人で住むといっても実感がわかない。まあ、寮だから、アパートに一人っきりとは違うのだけれど。

やっと指輪物語の三巻目の映画を買った。最後があまりよく出来ていなかったので、安くなってからでいいやと思っていたら、二年もたってしまったのである。昨夜見たのだが、その前に素人さんが書いた「妖精の王様の長男の日記」成るものを読んでいたせいもあって笑ってしまった。何しろその日記はあの美しい、幻想的な中つ国が設定ではなく、車が走り、携帯が鳴っていて大学の学食では食べてはいけないという暗黙のルールがある中つ国なのである。つまり、中つ国の作りを持った地球。父親のエルロンドはリヴェンデルの総理大臣で、その息子の主人公は灰色の港にある大学四年生である。彼は自分だけが常識を持っていると思っているのだが、他の家族や知り合い同様、常識のかけらも無いのである。双子の弟（エルロヒアの事ですね）は三歳の頭のままで身体だけ大きくなってしまったような人物で、妹のアルウェンは高校でバレー部にいて、高校卒業後すぐアラゴルンと結婚してしまった。厳粛も神秘もあったものではない。

でも、指輪物語のイベントは設定以外忠実に書かれているので余計可笑しい。何しろ、主人公のエラダンが真面目に悩んでいる事は下らないことこの上ないのである。また、一人一人のキャラが非常に良く出来ていて、また笑える。

高校のクラスメートはほとんどがみんな今週か来週に大学へ発つと言う。私だけ学校が始まるのがイヤに遅いらしい。

On a tangent, I've never been reccommended to be a clinical physician. Rather, people usually stop me. For a female medic student, this doesn't happen very often, and I often find people losing their smiles at this.

Now, thinking about my own wish, I don't mind being a physician who cares for patients, but I don't care for anything else but university hospitals. Rather say, clinical researcher.

Pediatrician? Nope. (I pity those children who would be my patients anyway.)

To think about it, I think it's clear that I shouldn't be that kind of a doctor. I like to be backstage but I don't like to be in the front. I don't like dealing with people. I find it tiresome to constantly watch for people's expressions and cater to their happiness. For someone like me who likes to do things alone, clinical medicine just isn't the thing.

What about research? Let's see. I like to do things alone. I like to control things in the back. I'd love to leave a legacy behind. Besides, it is practical and I get to feel good about myself if I could leave a substancial research and saved five million people at once instead of just one.

Simply put, I'm not feminine. For me who likes power, being the center of envy, and fame, I'd rather leave my name in a thesis after research than treating hundreds of patients and ending my life in a hospital as "just another doctor". I guess I want to be the brain rather than the hand. I know it's not lovable, and if I were a male I'd probably run away from such a girl.

Ethically speaking, I don't think I'm clinically inclined anyway. Most likely I'd see the patient as a guinea pig for a new set of data rather than poor human beings who are in desparate need of help. I can't slice people up if I were looking at them as humans in the first place.

Completely off topic, I saw my friend leave for her university today. She's going to a Mormon school in Utah. For me, who had always left people behind, the experience of being left behind was rather novel. I've been friends with her since I was nine; that makes it eight years of friendship. When I think about it, we've been friends since we were little girls. That made feel a little odd.

別の話になるが、私は臨床医を薦められた事が人生で一度も無い。逆に止められているばかりである。これは医学部在籍の女子大生としてはあまりある事では無いらしく、よく失笑を買っている事が多い。

そこで私の意志はと見てみると私は臨床をやってもよいと思うが大学病院でやる以外、考えていないのが真実である。臨床をやる研究医といった方が良いだろうか。

小児科医にはなろうと思ったことが無いし。（第一私が小児科医になったら患者が可哀相である。）

考えてみると私が多分臨床医に向かないのは明らかであると思う。裏方になるのは好きだが表立つのはあまり好きではないからだ。接待も嫌いだ。人の顔色を伺って喜ばせるという行為が第一面倒くさい。一人で何かしているのが好きな私には臨床は向かないだろう。

研究医は？一人で何かやるのは好きである。裏で操るのも大好きである。自分の名前を残すのも好きである。また研究医になって業績を上げたら一人でいっぺんに五万人すくえるという優越感もあるし、合理性もある。

簡単に言ってしまうと私は女性的ではないのである。権力、自己顕示、名声などが好きな私にとっては、臨床医になって病院で埋もれて一生を終えるより、研究をして論文に自分の名前を一行残す方が嬉しいのである。手になるより脳になりたいのだろう。自分でも可愛くないと思うし、私が男だったら多分退くだろう。

あと人道的に多分私は臨床医に向いてないのだろう。多分私は患者が人間として哀れで救ってやらねばならない人間としてみるより、新しいデータを出すモルモットに見えるだろうから。大体人間としてみていたら私は人なんて斬れないのである。

ところで私は今日、親友が大学に旅立つのを見送りに行った。彼女はユタ州のモルモン教の大学に行く。常に人を置いてきた私にとっては人に置いて行かれるのはちょっと新しい経験だった。彼女とは九つからの友人関係を保っている。もう八年になる。考えてみると幼い少女だった時から友達なのである。何か神妙な気分になった。

A lot if people who go to med school are those who, in my opinion, should never go there in the first place.

Mostly, the motive is impure. It's on the cute side when the motive is "I wanna get rich". In my case, I think I just wanted to slice people open. Of course, when I was little I probably was burning with this high spirit to save people's lives, but that was when I was three. Now that I'm 17, no such thing remains in my mind; it was out of sick and sadistic desire that I applied to a med school.

If that was it, it's not too bad. The most I see is "I wanted to look clever", "I wanted to change people's lives", "I wanted to play god", which is extremely close to insanity.

If it was just the motives, there's still salvation. What's even worse is that there are many people who are just not suitable to medicine from the ability or mental stability. And you find them everywhere.

My high school is probably one of the best in the area, and we have two who are going to private school pre-meds (I'm already in medical school so I'm out of count). Well, I'm not proud of my school, but compared to other schools around it's dramatically better. It's not easy to get into pre-med, so it's a good thing, I guess. Now, let me introduce you to the two young pre-meds who were my classmates.

One is a Spain-born Spanish. Both parents graduated from the school of medicine at the University of Barcelona. Very smart. Since he's the elder boy, both parents expect much from him. He gets pretty good grades, and he works hard. He was in my chemistry class, and since I rarely attended classes he was a good friend to borrow notes from.

But...

When he was little, he told me, he wanted to be a cook. Both parents adamantly were against it, and he gave up his dream. His current future career is a cardiologist. For me, cooking and cutting up hearts were pretty much the same thing, so I thought maybe it was going to be okay. That was last summer, when classes just began and I didn't know him too well.

But as classes progressed, I began to worry if I could trust the heart let alone cooking, and it began to bloat. He happens to be extremely careless and clumsy. For the proof, my chem class was given two boxes of Pyrex test tubes from Procter and Gamble, because the CEO of Procter and Gamble was my school's alumnus. For them, they were probably just giving away some junk that was sitting in the storage, but for us, getting nice, good expensive test tubes is a happy thing.

The first day we used those test tubes, our dear Mr. Clumsy managed to break two of them. Not only that... it was on a different day but he managed to burn half my classmate's tie. He repeatedly caused similar accidents.

"Erm... if I got some heart attack, I'd rather die than have him treat me," I thought, and I'm sure you'd understand why. But apparently college admissions don't really care about those things, and he got into pre-med with no trouble.

Another person is an US - born American. He was in my fifth year diff. eq and English class Senior year (since I took summer pre-cal, we were a year ahead). He looks like what President Clinton might have looked like in high school, and he acts like him too, if a little more vulgar. He sucked at English, and was constantly the class duck. He also happened to get 18 out of 80 on one of the English tests. Of course, he just grinned and let it go. He was the captain of the golf team and was apparently a good scorer at the state tournament. He told me he started golf when he was three.

He was a normal student at first. But when we were Seniors, he began to show his true colors. First of all, he had a wild party with drinking at his house and got arrested. Then he got pulled over in Florida for speeding. In the end, he got drunk, got talked into by a friend to get a tattoo, and went ahead and did it. Apparently this tattoo looked awful - you know the kind that you seen on ramen bowls in Chinatown? Those. He said it was pretty painful.

This idiot's aspiration is COSMETIC SURGERY. I couldn't stop my mouth and asked him:

"Is that to get rid of your tattoo?"

He gestured around his thigh and said, "Like this?"

"Yep."

"Duh."

A year ahead of me was a dude who got straight into medical school - the same school as the tattoo boy. This one was weird as well - he had no friends. His parents gave him a complete inventive education in sciences, and he completed Calculus freshman year. He is OCD and probably paranoid in some bizzarre way; during lunch when I was a junior, he always went up the stairs right by the place where I was waiting for my teacher to arrive. Well, he just HAD to go up the left side of the right staircase, and if someone was there, he'd come back down and start over again. I was with him during the math team, and not once have I seen him laugh. He originally wanted to go to engineering, and got into CalTech, but he decided to refuse the offer and go to med school. To me, he would have been better off going to engineering. Medicine is something more than "fixing", after all; it's healing, with mental and spiritual care. But before we even talk about him thinking patients as humans, he needs to work on recognizing himself as a human.

Then there's me. One day in math class, the tattoo boy asked me what I wanted to do after med school.

"Brain surgeon."

"Why?"

"Well, first of all, my patients are all knocked out, so they won't talk back. Second of all, it looks fun."

His expression became really tense and he said, "you know, you'd probably fix the problem but you'd probably change the patient's personality as well."

Considering the fact that these kind of people will take care of so many people's health and welfare and possibly change their lives, I'm feeling a little cold. But then, I find myself that I just need to be careful to the doctor I go to; after all, I won't be my own patient. There must be some moral physician somewhere, right? I just need to find him.

By the way, lectures at Kings College London will start from 24th of September. I'll see you then.

医学部に進学するやつは全く持って、「こいつだけは医学部にいってはいけない」と思うヤツばかりである。

大抵は動機が不純だ。「金持ちになりたい」なーんてのはまだ可愛い方である。私の場合、「斬りたい」と言うのがまずあった様に思われる。最も、幼い頃は美しい志に燃えていたのであろうが、それは三つの時の事。１７歳の今となっては、そんなときの事は面影もなく、猟奇的でサディスティックな欲望に駆られて受験したまでである。

それだけならまだしも良く見るのは「頭がよく思われたかったから」、「人の人生を左右したい」、「神様になりたい」と言うほとんど狂気にちかいものがほとんどである。

動機だけならまだ良い。もっと困るのは、精神的、または能力的に不適切なやつが沢山いるということだ。

私の高校はここら辺で一番の進学校だけあって、医学部予科に決定しているやつが少なくとも二人はいる（私は本科なので別問題）。まあ、自慢できる学校ではないのだが、ここらのほかの学校に比べると進学率はまだマシである。予科に入った事だけで大変なので喜ぶべき事である。そこでこの二人を紹介しよう。

一人はスペイン生れのスペイン人である。親は両方バルセロナ大の医学部卒業。優秀である。長男だけあって非常に期待されている。成績もそこそこ良いし、努力家である。私と同じ化学の授業を取っていて、授業をしょっちゅうサボっていた私にはノートを借りるのにはいい友達であった。

ところが。

本人は小さい頃コックになりたかったのだそうだ。親に猛反対されて断念したらしい。彼の今決められている将来は心臓外科医である。私にしてみれば、料理も心臓を捌くのも同じ様なものなので別にいいんじゃないかと思っていた。それは去年の夏、まだ学期が始まったばかりで彼のことをよく知らないときであった。

しかし授業が進むにつれて、料理どころかこんなヤツに心臓を任せてよいのだろうかと言う疑問が芽生え始め、次第に膨らんでいった。何しろ彼は本当におっちょこちょいで不器用なのである。不注意でもある。それの証拠に私の化学のクラスはProcter and GambleからPyrexの試験管をもらった。Procter and Gambleの社長は私の高校のＯＢなのである。向こうさんにしてみればゴミをよこしただけなのであろうが、私たちにとっては高価な良い質の試験管をもらうのはうれしい事である。

始めてその試験管を使ったあの日、このわが親愛なる不注意君はなんと二本も試験管をわったのである。そればかりではない。違う日だが彼はクラスメートのネクタイを塩酸で焼いてしまった。そういう事故を彼は連発したのである。

「うーん。こいつに心臓をいじくってもらうぐらいだったら私は死のう。」と私が思ったのも当然だと思う。ところが医学部はそういうことは見ないらしく、彼はらくらくと医学部予科に合格してしまった。

もう一人はアメリカ生れのアメリカ人である。数学（二年生の時に一クラス余分に取っていたので、大学一年生レベルの微分方程式である）と英文学が一緒だった。顔はクリントン元大統領を若くしたような顔である。雰囲気も似ているがもうちょっとにやけている。彼は英文学が全く理解できず、よく先生に顰蹙を買っていた。また彼は英文学のテストで８０点満点中１８点と言うおそるべき点数をとった経験がある。最も彼は全然気にせずへらへら笑っていただけであった。彼はゴルフ部のキャプテンで州大会で結構いい線を行っていた。ゴルフは三つの頃からやっているらしい。

彼は普通の生徒だったのだが、最上級生になって本性を現し始めた。まず、自分の家でアルコール入りの乱痴気パーティーをやり、逮捕された。その次にフロリダでスピード違反で摑まった。しまいには酔っ払ったある晩友達にそそのかされて太ももに刺青してしまったのである。この刺青がまた趣味が悪い代物らしく、ある人の証言によると、ラーメン丼に描いてあるヘターな龍があるでしょう？あれだったらしい。かなり痛かったと本人は言っていた。

このいわゆるオオバカがやりたいのはなんと整形外科。私は思わず訊いてしまった。

「それって自分の刺青をとるため？」

すると彼は太ももの所で手を動かし、「何？こうやって？」と訊き返してきた。

「うん。」

「そうだぜ。」

一年先輩になんと医学部本科に入った人がいる。刺青と一緒の学校だ。この人がまた変な人で友達はいない。親に徹底的な理系の英才教育をされたらしく、すでに１４歳で微積分を終わらせていた。彼は強迫観念症でお昼ご飯のあと、その時私が先生が来るのを待っている所のすぐ脇の階段を彼は必ず上がっていったのだが必ず右の方の階段の左端を上らないと気がすまないらしく、そこに人がいたりすると必ず下りてきてやり直していた過去がある。数学のチームで一緒だったのだが笑っているのを私は見た事が無い。彼は元々工学部に行くのが計画でCalTechに受かっていたのだが、それをけって医学部に行った。私からすると彼は工学部に行った方が良かった人間である。医は一応仁術だが彼は患者を人と思うどころか自分自身が人間離れしている。

そこに持ってきて私がいる。ある日数学のクラスで刺青君が私に医学部にいったら何になりたいのか訊いてきた。

「脳外科医。」

「なんで？」

「患者が絶対意識不明だし。それに面白そうだから。」

彼は顔をこわばらせて言った。「お前に脳をいじられたら直りそうだが性格も変えられちまいそうだ。」

こういう人間が将来の人々の健康管理をして沢山の人の生命を握っていくのである。そういうことを考えると私は背筋が寒くなるがまあ、私がかかる医者は気をつければいいや、私は私にかかんないし、と考えている自分を発見する。一人ぐらい、良心的な医者がいるだろう。私はそいつを見つければよいのである。

ところでKings College Londonの授業は九月２４日から始まります。お楽しみに。

I had a really good dream two nights ago. Then I had a nightmare last night. Wtf?

Ahem.

Dream 1:

I was walking down the street with my backpack, so I must be coming back from school. There was someone else that I was walking with, probably a friend, but I didn't really know who it was, since I never met the girl before. I stepped aside to avoid hitting the streetlight, and saw...

a red head.

Now, if you haven't guessed just who it could be, you don't know me too well, now, do you?

Anyway! The other three were there as well, but he was walking couple of feet behind them. I had this terrible urge to YANK his hair, just to see if it was real.

Thankfully, I wasn't that stupid.

Dream 2:

Ian (my debate partner) was looking shamefaced when I came back from to my dorm. I didn't know why he was there, but I knew he was up to no good.

"What?"

"Um... sorry. I crashed your computer. It was an accident!"

I threw him out my dorm window, which happened to be on the 54th floor, because for some reason my dorm relocated to Guy's Tower, the tallest medical building in the world. I didn't really bother to see what kind of mess he would have made on the sidewalk. I had better things to do (AKA restore my sanity).

So the summer is passing away (Jack Mack apparently broke up... how fast that relationship was...), and here I am, patiently waiting for September to arrive. My best friend is leaving next week; my debate partner is still a Senior, but he'll be getting the "college app heart attack" disease soon... my friend from Fenwick (the only one left, I might add) is leaving four days after me to Northwestern. How much we grew up.

To tell the truth, though, I don't feel grown-up; I'm still extremely short-tempered, which is a large flaw for me. But when I see my friends' siblings going into Senior year, high school, e.t.c., I have to stand still for a second and say, "I am growing up". And we are. My oldest friend is still in high school, but my second oldest friend is already working... working! R is going to be teaching in four years... J, what will you be doing? I guess I'll be the last one done with schooling, having at least seven years of med school to go through. We'll all be getting our BA/BSc's soon (in four years, including myself, actually... yey intercalated neuroscience degree). I'll probably be still mooching off my then-working friends (which means most of them), but still, we'll be fully adults with all the rights an adult can have.

And to think that only four years ago, we were thinking we were such bigshots because we entered high school.

But it seems like after all, I always have only one friend from each era of my life; but one is enough, isn't it?

Setting: 9:23PM. A young woman is sitting on a bed, calmly reading 'The Coldfire Trilogy' and wondering what it would be like to be traveling with a hot, aristocratic, wizard vampire who loves killing women.

A phone rings. She dashes downstairs, wondering who would call at 9:23PM. She picks the phone up from the wall socket.

A: hello?
J: Heeeeelloooo! (laughter)
A: Who is this?
J: It's your future husband!

There is a crash in the distance on the other side of the line. The young woman wonders who the hell it is, then it hits her.

A: ... John?
J: Hahaha! Sambucas are good!
A: ...
Random person: Oh my god! Harry!
Random person 2: Quick! Put out the fire!
Random person 3: What the hell happened?
Random person 2: Harry passed out and knocked into a tiki torch!
A: Where the hell are you at?
J: I'm at Harry's birthday party!
A: With tiki torches?
J: It's a luau type thingy! Hic
The young woman estimates that it's 3:27AM in UK, and decides that universities don't do you much good.
A: Go to bed.
~click~

これはもともと夏のブログの書き込みだったものだがこれは「変な夢ベストスリー」にはいるほどの変な夢なので書くことにした。私は鮮明で変な夢を見るので有名だがそんな私でさえもこの夢は変だと思ったほどである。それはこんな夢であった。

レノ（ファイナルファンタジーVIIの赤毛のレノである）は私の弟であった（これ以上私の人生が悪くなれる訳が無いだろうと言わんばかりにである）。総務部調査課通称タークスのメンバーとして抜群の運動神経を持っているはずだがそうではないらしい。しかし彼のアホさ加減はまだ健在であった。好きなキャラが弟だというのは嬉しい筈なのだがそうではない。

彼はどういうわけか観覧車に足を轢かれ、両足切断という羽目になったのであった。私はホビットの（そう、あの指輪物語に出てくる足に毛が生えている小人のホビットです）外科手術の名医にレノの足をくっつけてもらう為に透明服（着ると透明になるのではなくて目に見えない服）を売るセールスマンにならなければなかったのである。帰ると私の父親らしいエルロンドが待ち構えていて（これってエルロンドはレノの父親であるって言うこと？）私のことを怒鳴りつけ始めた。オークスに表庭を通って正面玄関に行く道を教えたからだという。ちなみに私の見る限りでは正面玄関も表庭もなかった。私と私の愚弟は薄汚いアパートに住んでいたのである。

この夢から私がこの時プレッシャーでセラピーを必要としていたのは明らかである。まあ、今でも必要だろうけど…

Okay, so this post was originally in my "summer" blog, but this one qualifies as one of the top three that are just plain weird. I'm pretty famous for having vivid, odd dreams, but even I think this one's weird. Here it is.

Apparently, Reno was my brother (just as if my life couldn't get worse). He was a Turk, so that should have meant that he has excellent reflexes, but no, that wasn't the case. His idiocy was still intact, though. I guess I was meant to be happy for having him as my brother, but that wasn't the case either.

He managed to get run over by a ferris wheel which meant that both of his legs got amputated, and I had to become a door-to-door salesman of invisible clothes to procure enough money to get a Hobbit surgeon to reattach his legs (?!). In the meanwhile, Elrond, who was apparently my father (does that mean that he's Reno's father too?), came to me and screamed at the top of his lungs for showing the orcs the way into the front yard. Mind you, there were no yards as far as I could see, front or back. We lived in a dingy apartment.

It is rather obvious that I probably needed a mental therapy from all the pressure. I probably still do...

I'm infamous for having weird dreams, but this one I had last night is competing for the top three. It was just so weird I don't know how I managed to dream of such things.

Dream 1:

Apparently, Reno was my brother (just as if my life couldn't get worse). He managed to get run over by a ferris wheel, and I had to become a door-to-door salesman of invisible clothes to procure enough money to get a Hobbit surgeon to reattach his legs (?!). In the meanwhile, Elrond, who is apparently my father, came to me and screamed at the top of his lungs for showing the orcs the way into the front yard. Mind you, there were no yards as far as I could see, front or back. We lived in a dingy apartment.

I think I need a mental therapy.

I'm already getting bored with this blog. Not a good sign.

After lounging around without anything better to do other than read "The Elladan Show" (I know, pathetic) mainly because Father spent eight hours in Office Depot today as a post-trauma therapy of me losing my passport only to be found smack in the middle of my desk drawer, I didn't go to Dylik's party. Which may or may not have been a good thing, considering that while I like Dylik, there are some people that I definitely could do without the experience of seeing them again. They belong to FENWICK, and strictly FENWICK at that. Now that I'm out of there (and preferrably forever, thank you God), I don't need anymore reminders of the hideous persona AKA Roger Finnell and overpriced mozarella sticks.

Anyway, I was in the middle of reading Elladan's little gay tryst with his classmate (I'm sick...), I suddenly realized that I haven't done anything to get ready for college. Including shopping. I haven't done anything. And I really need to compile a shopping list soon.


Soon is the keyword. As in, not now. And now I'm going back to the Elladan Show.

My diet isn't going well, but I blame that on Hershey's.

That's right. I lost my eyebrows.

Well, not exactly. I knw where they are... but they're gone.

Here's how it happened.

I went to the modeling agency I belong to (LONG story) yesterday to get the "check-up", as Jerms calls it (he's a model, gay, looking for a hot stud who's willing to be his boyfriend). Then the agent points at my face and goes:

"Your eyebrows are too big."

WHAT?!

Anyway, so in comes this make-up artist, and proceeds to shave off HALF my eyebrows. Then I look at myself in the mirror:

"How am I supposed to walk around with half eyebrows? I look QUEER."

"HEY!" said Jeremiah, age 21, single and looking (male only please).

"You're supposed to LINE your eyebrows from now on whenever you're going out," explained my oh-so-kind model agent.

Wait a minute. You LINE?

"Draw, shape, whatever you want to call it." He handed me a distinctively short pencil that uncannily resembled an eyeliner but, alas, wasn't. "You use this."

No doubt my agent is groaning at my ignorance at such things.

Excuse me, I'm a med student. Med students are supposed to be... well nerdy and ugly.