Dragon Age II began. And since my Warden fell in love with her fellow Warden, I decided that Hawke will not fall in love with Anders – who’s far too like Alistair anyway – and will go for the elf instead.

My god, he’s a PAIN IN THE ASS.

First of all, he’s moody. Really moody. And very combative. It didn’t start off well either. The conversation went like this:

Fenris: We should be cautious. No need to throw away life so needlessly.
Hawke: Alright.
Fenris: (storms into the manor) DANARIUS! I’M RIGHT HERE AND I’M GONNA HAVE YOUR HEAD!
Hawke: (facepalm)

And then, as it turns out, if Hawke has a relationship with Anders, no Fenris loving time for you! What the hell did he want, a virgin?

Now, my Warden was a virgin (there’s a dialogue option that allows the player to tell this). But I have no idea about Hawke. However, romance with Anders happened rather precipitously, with Anders going “STOP STRINGING ME ALONG” and Hawke going “Well, let’s see, let’s drive this guy, who’s already nuts, more nuts, shall we?”. And then boom. Kissy time. Hawke then went home, and shagging occurred. What the hell. What kind of a relationship goes from first kiss to first shag in one night? Amazing.

Back to Fenris. He’s not exactly the most wooing guy in the world. After first Fenris sexy time, he dumps you. Douchebag. When Hawke’s mother dies, he can’t be a bigger prick if he tried.

So why is my Hawke trying to romance him? Well, truth be told, no romance option in Dragon Age II is decent. In Dragon Age: Origins, both romance options for a heterosexual female Warden were decent; shy and sensitive and proper or rambunctious and outrageous. But this time, it’s either:

A: Anders, who loves you, cherishes you, then blows up a chantry and starts a war,
B: Fenris, who is more than slightly emo (sorry Fenris) and generally seems to have a penis on his head, or
C: Sebastian, who’ll marry you, but never give you sexy time. Which baffles me. Marriage without physical intimacy seems kind of cruel.

So Bioware, for the next Dragon Age, please make a decent romance option that won’t necessarily break the hero’s heart.

Okay, back to seducing the emo elf.