Upon my quest to return to my former part-time job (here’s a hint: It does not involve children), I had gone through many revelations, the foremost of which was this:

If men liked bigger women, we’d be bigger too.

In a simple matter of logic, here it is: we preen ourselves to be more attractive to the other gender. It’s a simple, biological impulse. Since we can’t really feather ourselves like a peacock or produce smells like other, more fortunate animals, we must dress and colour ourselves. Right?

So what if the clothes only flattered stick figures? More likely for men to pick the twig-made woman who probably has no time of the month at all. And hence… the stick figure models are born.

Most men say “nonono, we like full figures, like Sophia Loren”. Well, tough luck. If you lot didn’t hail Twiggy as the mini-skirt queen, we may not have 6 foot 100lb pre-pubescent girls strutting down the runway (which, by the way, can’t be healthy. But what can you say when a perfect Barbie-looking Ana Carolina Reston decides to starve herself and flops dead? Nothing.)

So the sample sizes shrank and shrank to the point that the waist size is tailored for 23 inches… and apparently, unless you went through some odd transmogrification (like me) or you have no ribs beyond the seventh, tough luck. And apparently, all women must aspire to looking like a model, because apparently now that is biologically possible. So size zero is the new “in” size. Everybody’s wearing it, from Daria to Gisele! (Actually, my guess is Gisele is a size four, but who cares?)

And then they persecute the hapless mannequins, who are completely blameless and are just trying to meet the requirements so they can make a living, that they are “bad influences” to the youngsters and they should gain weight. Never mind that those people who are saying these things WILL NEVER pay a model’s rent. Ever. So they irresponsibly say “here, you look unhealthy and there’s a twelve year old trying to look like you, so gain a few stones”, and then promptly ignore the said girl when she loses a shoot at Armani for gaining two pounds. World is a fair place, isn’t it?

In fact, if models are giving bad influences to the youngsters, why not sue Mattel? They’re making Barbie dolls, which have even more impossible measurements than a fashion model. She would be 5’9”, 110lb, with a waist of 21.5 inches (it used to be 18 inches…) , a bust of 36, and a hip of 33. I’m sorry, but you can’t be 5’9” and have a hip measurement of 18 inches. You are not Cathie Jung. It’s just not possible, unless you went through some sort of bodily transmogrification. But nobody’s shooting darts at them. It makes one wonder why.

Here’s a good quote from the ever-decadent (and ever-failing) Goldmund of the era, IC:

“You’re a model, ergo you’re hot.”

What? Since when? Isn’t that like saying even this synthetic leather bag must be of good quality, since it has a huge Fendi logo emblazoned on it? That’s just silly.

So there. Even those who are not brand-conscious are fooled.